Aging comes with many challenges, including an increasing dependence on others. Many adult children look for ways to help their parents, whether this means providing support here and there or becoming a full-time caregiver. But, working out how to deal with difficult and stubborn aging parents can be difficult.
How Do You Deal with Difficult Aging Parents?
Unfortunately, dealing with a difficult mother or father who is elderly is a challenge that many caregivers face.
What is a Difficult Elderly Parent?
We’re talking about how to deal with a difficult elderly parent, so we first look at what a difficult parent even is. After all, no one is easy to be around all the time. Even the most wonderful person is going to have their bad days. That’s to be expected.
In this post, we’re not talking about bad moments or bad days every so often. We’re looking at parents who are consistently difficult to be around.
Difficult behaviors of aging parents can include:
- Manipulation – Some parents emotionally manipulate their children. Guilt is a common tool, which can include claims like ‘you never do anything for me’ and ‘if you loved me, you’d do what I ask’.
- Excessive dependence – Some aging parents like being waited on hand and foot, regardless of their actual needs.
- Stubbornness – This can include parents who refuse to accept help or won’t follow their doctor’s advice (like when they’re told to exercise more or improve their diet).
- High expectations – Some parents, particularly those who are emotionally immature, expect other people to fix everything. They’re looking for a perfect solution, even in situations where there isn’t one.
- Being abusive – It’s easy to see older adults as vulnerable victims and they often are. However, some seniors are also abusers. This can include emotional abuse, anger, and even physical violence.
- Gaslighting – When someone gaslights you, they’re devaluing your experiences, acting like what you feel isn’t relevant, and refusing to take responsibility for what they’re doing.
A difficult elderly parent won’t show all of those behaviors and won’t show them consistently. There may be many good moments, which can make the problems hard to spot.
To make matters worse, some difficult parents are only this way around their caregivers or close family. They may seem perfectly reasonable to other people.
Dealing with negative elderly parents is a challenge.
Tricky interactions can leave you feeling unappreciated, undervalued, and drained. Regularly being met with pessimism and complaints is hard and can take a significant toll on your mental health.
Even when there are really good reasons for the negative behavior, being on the receiving end of it is tough. Dealing with negative elderly parents will involve learning how to regulate your own emotional responses whilst also employing strategies to effect change.
Examples of Negative Behavior in Elderly Parents
If you have a sense that you can never do anything right by your parents, or that anything you do isn’t good enough, then you may well be facing negative behavior. Clues to negative behavior largely come up in certain phrases, but it’s also there in stubbornness and refusal to engage. You may find that your senior parent is overly picky and seems primed to start arguments at any moment. Negative parents tend to get angry or silent over small or inconsequential issues.
Example phrases that indicate negative behavior include:
- “I’m not a child, don’t tell me what to do.”
- “You don’t do anything/enough for me.”
- “I can’t do what I want to do.”
- “You just want to put me in a care home.”
- “I’m just a burden to you.”
- “I’m no use to anyone.”
Why Are Elderly Parents Negative
Unfortunately, if your parent has always been a negative character then that is unlikely to change. You may simply be seeing a greater concentration of personality traits that already existed. However, if your elderly parent is much more negative than they have previously been, or this is out of character with who they used to be, then this may be due to:
- Physical decline: Being unable to physically and practically do the things they used to do can lead to frustration.
- Mental decline: Loss of memory or cognitive decline can be confusing, demoralizing, and depressing. Irritability can also be a sign of Alzheimer’s disease and dementia.
- Pain: Many older people experience more daily and chronic pain due to a number of different reasons and this can lead to short-tempers and lack of tolerance for other small difficulties in life.
- Loss of independence: Feeling that they lack control of their own life because losing independence can be hard.
- Anxiety and depression: Around 25% of people over 65 in the UK suffer from depression. Depression isn’t a normal part of aging, but it can have significant consequences. Irritability is a symptom of depression.
- Boredom: As humans, we need social connection and we need purpose. These can be difficult to enable for elderly people and the lack of these can lead to an abundance of negative thinking.
Tips for Dealing With Negative Elderly Parents
Dealing with negative elderly parents can be draining and exhausting. It can feel that no matter how much you do, it’s never enough, or never good enough. Being within the parent-child dynamic, with the conditioning of childhood, can bring up feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy. It can also feel incredibly lonely if you don’t have anyone to share the difficulties with.
These practical tips can help you to manage the situation:
1. Consider if it’s a New Problem
If it is new that your parent is being difficult then it is worth considering if there is a medical reason for the sudden change. Encourage your parent to see their GP and ask to accompany them. Urinary tract infections (UTIs), dementia, and side effects of medication can all trigger difficult behavior.
2. Separate Yourself From Blame
Your parent’s negative behavior is not your fault and it’s not a reflection of you, no matter how responsible you feel. Keep reminding yourself that you are doing the very best you can with the time and resources (including energy and emotional strength) that you can.
3. Acknowledge Your Parent’s Thoughts
Trying to talk someone out of negative thinking never works if it’s a case of trying to jolly them along. Sometimes, acknowledging how they feel can be much more powerful. This doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it shows that you care and you recognize their struggles. For example, you can try phrases such as “It must be frustrating to feel that…”, “I can understand that it’s hard to…”, “It must be hard not being able to…” If nothing else, it gives them less to fight against if you are acknowledging their feelings.
Empathize with your parent. Chat about what it’s like for them having their independence limited, or how difficult being unwell is. Ask them for suggestions.
4. Combat Boredom
You are probably in one of the busiest phases of your life. Conversely, your elderly parent may struggle to fill the hours of their day. This can lead to a tug o’ war where you genuinely can’t give more, but they genuinely need more.
If boredom is sitting behind much of their irritability and negativity, then it’s important to think about how you can combat this without stretching yourself thinner. Encourage them to attend groups and arrange visits from friends or community members. Teach your parent how to use technology and get further afield family members helping with loneliness and isolation. Make good relationships with local organizations and taxi firms, to help your parent get out and about. Help to create structure and routine for their week.
5. Focus on Fun When You Are Together
It’s very easy to get into negative spirals. As such, it can be worth pushing engaging and fun activities when you are together. Encourage them to participate in a board game, or ask them for ideas for a day out. This helps to build a connection with their daily life again.
6. Set Limits
Fundamentally, you need to protect your own well-being first and foremost. Without your own emotional and physical health, you will be unable to help and the situation can be made worse.
If your parent’s negative behavior is greatly affecting you then it can be helpful to set limits or boundaries. Try to be honest with your parent about the things that they do that are difficult and explain what will happen (e.g. you leave) if they step over your limit.
7. Be Open With Them
If your parent’s negativity is due to something other than dementia, then it can be helpful to talk to them about the impact of their negativity on you. They may not realize the impact their behavior is having, especially if it’s making family members less inclined to see them regularly.
Try to have authentic conversations where you share things from your life, so they can understand your limitations. Try to combat their negativity by asking for their suggestions for how to make it better. Try to problem-solve together.
8. Get Help and Support
It is very hard dealing with a difficult elderly parent. It is easier if you have help and support. This may be ad hoc help and care such as regular visits from other friends and family, or a cleaner, or it may be more structured help, such as carers.
There may come a time when that help may come best in the form of residential care. Nursing care needs can be met, and social needs are also better served within a care home community. From eating with others to social programs and easier access to health support, a care home often alleviates many of the causes behind your parent’s behavior.
9. Look After Yourself
It’s very important to realize that the stress of the situation takes its toll. Take active steps to look after yourself. Take breaks regularly, giving yourself the mind space to come back to things more positively. Know when to insist on more help. Your own self-care is really important.
It is very difficult dealing with negative elderly parents, and it can often be a long road. Try to employ some of the tips above so that you have the stamina for the long haul.
Final Thoughts
No matter how difficult our aging parents may be, it’s important to remember that they are still our parents, and we love them. We should do our best to set boundaries for our own sake and theirs. Communicate your limits firmly, remain calm, and make the process gradual. Also, remember that you are not alone in this, so reach out to family members or professional help for support if needed.
Promedcare
Being a family-owned business, the owners of Promedcare are engaged in the day-to-day operations and get to know both clients and caregivers on a first-name basis. Having both owners and staff present vs. working remotely with our clients creates a feel of FAMILY and allows Promedcare to create an environment of care that reduces turnover and increases dedication to the brand. We provide 24/7 service with the ability to interact with Senior Management and the owners as needed.
Promedcare has evolved into a caring business that focuses on individuals’ specific needs and preferences. This type of care fosters independence, happiness, and a sense of familiarity by acknowledging older individuals’ desire to age in the comfort of their own homes.
For some, it’s to provide extensive ongoing care for an aging senior. For others, we offer a much-needed break or, respite care – such as a night out with a spouse, vacation, or simply a few hours of quiet time at home – for family members who provide regular care. We offer a wide range of care services customized for each individual client.
Promedcare services include Personal Care Services, Companion Care Services, Dementia / Alzheimer’s Care Services, and Respiratory Solutions.
Contact us today to see how Prodmedcare can help you!